Gonna' go down suicide
by ayame-means-iris
Summary: Gilbert feels like a failure at life, but keeps trying to find a reason to go on living.  Warning: Fem!Canada
1. Chapter 1

Gilbert was finding life increasingly hard to deal with. He had nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to go there with. Really, his friends kept him around because they occasionally found him amusing, but the minute he tried to say anything seriously he was ignored or even mocked. Finally, he'd stopped trying, and just pasted on a grin whenever he saw them. He'd started avoiding going out.

Ludwig would nag him about hanging out at the house too much. "Don't you want to do something with your life? Shouldn't you at least try and get a job?" was the endless refrain. Gilbert started to avoid leaving his room unless absolutely necessary. He'd tried to tell Ludwig that he was afraid to try and get another job. He'd tried several times to get and keep a job, and either quit or was fired every time. He just couldn't figure out how to give his boss what they wanted, especially when all they seemed to want was to humiliate him everyday. Apparently, they got some kind of thrill out of controlling him through their endless criticism and threats. He'd tried to explain to Ludwig that bosses just had it out for him, and his brother had just looked at him with such withering disgust. It hurt…like a knife in the heart. So, that's how it had come to this: lying in bed, trying to distract himself from the painful memories and the intrusive negative thoughts that urged him to just end it all.

What was stopping him really? He was obviously a disappointment to the only family he had, and not really needed by his so-called friends. They would likely be just the same if he wasn't there, or they might even be better off. He even had a plan: to jump off a bridge. He knew it wasn't a pleasant way to die; hitting the water would be like hitting a brick wall, but he figured that it would get the job done. If the fall didn't kill him, then he would likely drown.

He had considered other methods, but had decided he didn't want Ludwig to be the person to find his body. That would be too cruel. No, it would be better if professionals were the ones to find him. They were used to it, and they would tell Ludwig and make sure he got the note.

He didn't really want to go through with his plan. But, he just couldn't take the feeling of doom hanging over him. He couldn't take the feeling of powerlessness when he couldn't make others understand why he did what he did, the things that made them angry and disgusted with him, or put them off so that they ignored him.

He'd always had trouble dealing with people but had never really understood the reason why. They just seemed to hate him for the most part, so he hated them back. The only person he'd ever stuck his neck out for was his little brother Ludwig, and look how that turned out. Now he was just a burden to his little brother, and everything he did seemed to annoy him to no end.

…

Gilbert parked his car by the side of the road then walked quickly across the bridge. It wasn't very busy that day; hardly any traffic at all. He guessed no one had anywhere to go on an overcast Monday morning. He threw his leg over the railing and climbed to the other side. Then he made his first mistake; he looked down. Suddenly, he couldn't move; he was petrified with fear, his breath shallow and rapid like a frightened rabbit.

The water looked so far away. Every gust of wind made him clench the railing. He felt the urge to piss he was so nervous. He took some deep breaths, looked up at the sky and knew without a doubt that there was no benevolent God looking down on him wishing for him to live. Was there anyone wishing for him to live? Even he himself didn't want to live. What more proof did he need that he simply shouldn't be alive? He wasn't even any good to the only person he really loved anymore. This fear must not be the result of doubt about his decision, it must just be instinct that he knew he had the will to overcome. He let go of the railing…

"Wait! Gilbert!" A woman's voice was calling him. He grabbed the railing and turned to look. It was a pretty girl with shoulder length blonde hair and violet blue eyes. "Who are you? How do you know my name?" He asked when she came closer. He felt a calm curiosity. This might me the last person he spoke to in his life. He might as well try and get something out of it.

"I'm Madeline. I guess you don't remember me, but that's okay. No one remembers me. I'm too shy."

She said in such a soft melodious voice. She was beautiful he thought. How could he have forgotten her?

"I went to school with you. You were in band and I was in orchestra so we only ever met when we played together for musicals and symphony. I remembered how much I admired you for playing the flute so well even though the other boys made fun of you for it." She spoke quickly, her eyes pleading with him for…something. "I…I had a crush on you but I was too shy to speak to you. I played the cello, not very well, I was a second cello. I felt like I could never as good as you…please, I really want to talk to you some more. Please, come with me, and give me a chance. I…please, don't jump…" She reached tentatively for his hand, and grabbed his wrist. "Please, come to the other side…" She was begging him with tears in her eyes. God, she was beautiful, she wanted him to live a little longer. She was lonely too, and wanted to speak with him.

He climbed carefully back over the railing and went with her to her car. He fell exhausted into the seat and automatically buckled his seatbelt. He sighed and closed his eyes, feeling so tired.

"Do you need to go lie down?" She asked him. He nodded wearily and let her drive him wherever she wanted.

…

He woke up from dozing when the car stopped and Madeline turned off the engine. They were in a driveway in front of a house. He turned to her silently. "This is my house." She said softly then got out and opened his door for him. He smiled faintly at the reversal of roles. "Thanks." He stretched a little then followed her into her house.

It was a palace. Or at least, by his standards it seemed like one. The high ceilings, enormous living room and kitchen, glamorous staircase, everything seemed so fancy and expensive. It was a bit overwhelming for a guy that lived with his brother in the same tiny one story house they'd grown up in.

She hesitated once they were inside. Was she scared of him? She was alone with a virtual stranger who obviously wasn't in his right mind. He sighed again, wandered over to a chaise lounge and lay down. She followed hesitantly then hovered near him. "Um…do you need anything? Something to eat or drink?" She was practically whispering. He shook his head and threw his arm over his eyes blocking out the light. "I'm just tired." he mumbled and drifted off.

…

Madeline went to her bedroom and picked up the phone. Maybe she should tell her brother what had happened. Someone should know…just in case. He picked up right away. "Hello?"

"Hi, Alfred. Something interesting happened while I was driving home today."

"Oh yeah? What?"

"Well, there was this guy about to jump off the bridge. And traffic had slowed down, so I got a good look at him."

"Yeah, so did the cops talk him down?"

"No, actually I recognized him."

"What? Really? Who was it?"

"Someone from high school, he was in band, you wouldn't know him."

"Oh, so what happened."

"Um, well, I kinda had to stop, you know. There weren't any police yet, so I pulled over and talked to him."

"Whoa, so did he come down?"

"Yeah…"

"Oh my god, you're like, a hero Maddie!"

"Yeah, I guess so, but he seemed like he needed someone to look after him, so…I brought him home."

"What? Why would you do that? He might be high or crazy and dangerous! What were you think-"

"Alfred, just shut up for a minute! I couldn't leave him there, so just, I called you to let you know…but don't freak out okay? Just-"

"Nu-uh! I'm coming over there right now. You don't know anything about this guy, he might decide he wants to take you with him. He might be a rapist or something, you don't know!"

"Alfred, just-I'm hanging up now. I gotta go."

"No! Wait!"

Madeline hung up on him and sighed. He was so overprotective.

…

Gilbert woke up to the smell of pancakes. He wandered over to the kitchen and peeked inside. Madeline was just scooping the last pancake out of the pan.

"Hey." he said softly.

She turned to look at him, and smiled sweetly, beckoning him closer. He went toward her slowly like a timid animal, with a nervous grin on his pale face.

"Sit down." she gestured to the table, and turned back to the pancakes, putting butter and syrup on them.

Gilbert sat down, and watched her. She certainly had a nice body, petite with gentle curves, and such a pretty little ass. Those jeans were skin tight, showing it off. He couldn't help but imagine coming up behind her and sliding his hand between her thighs, traveling upward until his palm cupped her buttocks, his slender middle finger tapping the thick denim seam that lay just over the split of her pussy.

She turned, eyes fixed on the precarious stack of pancakes, carefully making her way to the table.

Gilbert took advantage of her distraction to look at her face. Such a pretty mouth, cupid's bow lips, so delicate and pink. He imagined what they would feel like, silky soft, kissing him everywhere.

When she set the plates down, he smiled at her nervously, shifting in his seat. Why was he thinking like this about her when she was being so nice to him? It must be just a reaction from being close to death, he thought. They ate in a sort of awkward silence, shooting each other embarrassed smiles, until the front door slammed open.

"Madeline! Where are you!" A loud man's voice yelled angrily. Gilbert immediately stood up, ready to… do what? He didn't know, but he knew he would deal with whatever happened.

A tall blond man entered the room, it was obvious from the striking resemblance who he was.

"Hi! I'm Alfred, Maddie's big brother!" Alfred practically yelled at him, shoving his way between the two of them and holding his hand out for a handshake. Gilbert automatically took his hand, and instantly regretted it. Alfred was practically shaking his arm off while holding him as firmly as a steel trap. Alfred then grabbed him by the arm and started physically pushing him toward the door. All the while, talking loudly with false cheer. "You know Maddie's quite a gal, isn't she? I can't believe the wonderful, kind things she does all the time. She's quite the Good Samaritan, don't you think? But, of course, I worry about her, that someday her soft-hearted nature will get taken advantage of. We wouldn't want that to happen now would we? Anyway, it was nice meeting you, and I hope everything works out for you. See you around, pal." He then literally shoved Gilbert out the door then locked it behind him. Gilbert stood there for a moment, Maddie's soft protests and her brother's smarmy tone still echoing in his ears. Finally, he realized no one was coming for him, so he walked down the street. Then he realized he had no idea where he was. He sighed, and reluctantly pulled out his cell phone.

…

"Ludwig?" "Yeah, I know I shouldn't call you at work, but it's kinda important." "Well, I…I'm lost." "Yes, I know I'm not a child. It's just…it's a long story." "No, I haven't been drinking. Look, I'm okay, I just don't know where I am." "Um, the nearest intersection…uh, just a minute…it's Hughes St. and Laurel Ave." "Those directions aren't much good to me right now." "Because I don't have my car." "No, I didn't wreck it…so far as I know it's still in one piece." "It's probably been impounded by now." "…" "I'm sorry, okay, so please, just stop! I'll just wait here for you."

…

Gilbert hung up and sat down on the curb to wait. Ludwig said he would GPS the intersection then pick him up during his lunch break. He sounded pissed about it, but couldn't very well yell at him from his cubicle could he? Gilbert sighed, considering how he could look forward to being yelled at when Ludwig finally arrived to pick him up.

…

"Hey, _bruderlein._" Gilbert said softly, as he got into the car. He'd always called Ludwig that when he was little. Then, one day Ludwig scowled at him, and asked him to stop. He never would tell him why…

Ludwig glared at him, "Get in!" he snapped.

The second Gilbert shut the door the car took off.

"I'm skipping lunch for you I hope you know! What the hell happened that you're all the way out here? I'm going to have to break the speed limit to get back to work on time. If I get a ticket you're paying for it! And don't even think that I'll help you get your car back. If you want it back, _you_ pay for it!" Ludwig face was turning red while he thumped the steering wheel.

Gilbert sat there and watched his younger brother yell until he ran out of steam. Finally, they got on the freeway, and he seemed to calm down a bit.

"Well, are you going to tell me what happened or not?" Ludwig glanced at him from the corner of his eyes, while casually cutting cars off then leaving the outraged drivers behind in the dust.

Gilbert sat there silently, at a loss. He mumbled, "I left it on the bridge out of town…"

"What? That's against the law you know, to park on a bridge." Ludwig took his eyes off the road for a second, actually looking at his older brother, noticing the lost look on his face. 'Was he going to…no, Gilbert never cried, not even when our parents died.'

He quickly turned his attention back to driving, and got off at the exit closest to their house. He drove up their driveway and stopped in front of their house.

"I have to go back to work. I'm going to be late." Ludwig sighed, and turned to his brother. "Go on inside. Well talk about this when I get home, okay?"

Gilbert nodded woodenly, then got out of the car. He distantly heard it take off, then he wandered into the house, and sat down on the couch.

…

'I didn't even get her last name. She didn't give me her phone number, and I didn't notice what her address was…' He thought despondently as he collapsed on his bed. He sighed, covering his face with his arms. Suddenly he jumped up and went to his computer. Maybe it was worth a try to look for her online.

The first place he thought to look was his high school's website. Maybe they still had some kind of yearbook photos or something.

"Well, what do you know. There's the group photo from the end of the year concert." There she was in the second cello section just like she said. "Madeline Williams." He gazed at her picture. Her smile seemed nervous and shy. It was almost as though she was hiding behind her instrument, and those dorky glasses. "Cutie, somehow I'm gonna find you again."

…


	2. Chapter 2

Madeline tried to open the door to follow Gilbert out, but Alfred grabbed her wrist and pulled her away.  
>"Ow! Let me go!" she said, trying to be loud enough that he would take her seriously. It didn't work this time, any more than the other times.<br>"What were you thinking!" He yelled at her, shoving her onto the sofa and towering over her.  
>"Why would you bring him here? And when you're alone! If you didn't have me looking out for you, you'd be dead by now!"<br>"I knew him from school. He's not a stranger. We played together in the symphony!" Madeline tried to defend herself, but her brother's reaction was just the same as if she had never spoken at all.  
>"I don't care! That was a long time ago, and I know you didn't have any friends anyway. So, you couldn't have known him that well."<br>Alfred's words were so callous she couldn't take it anymore. She ran crying to her room and locked the was shaking with suppressed rage.

Goddamn her brother! She wanted so badly to yell at him and throw him out, but the fact of the matter she knew from experience where the conversation would go if she tried to do that.  
>Alfred paid her bills and never let her forget it. The few times when she had lost it, cussed him out and threw things, he'd reminded her of how much she would owe him if he ever asked her to pay him back.<br>Pay him back for her college education in music. Pay him back for all the bills for their parent's house. Pay him back even for the new car he'd bought her for her birthday! What nerve! He said it was a gift!  
>She'd asked him, "what kind of way is that to treat your family?" and he'd just laughed and said it wasn't his fault that she chose to get a "worthless degree instead of getting a real job!"<br>She tried telling him that teaching private music lessons was a real job that makes real money, and he just mocked her. "Yeah, I'm sure it makes just enough money to get your hair done every week, right?" Asshole!  
>All she could do was go to her room, lock the door and wait for him to leave. She threw herself on the bed and covered her head with a pillow, trying to block out the sounds of Alfred trying to get her to open the door.<br>Eventually, he gave up and she listened as he left the house. She went to the window and watched him drive away.

"Some protective brother he is. Taking off to be with all his friends I bet." she muttered resentfully. _Or worse yet, one of his girlfriends_.  
>She frowned sadly. Why did Al have all the friends and so many girls? He wasn't even that nice a guy. Just popular. And handsome. And scary smart, even though he hid it well with his dumb guy act.<br>That's how he'd managed to become so successful at a young age. That burning fire of intelligence and inexhaustible ambition, carefully hidden from everyone, except her. And the girlfriends.  
>The women in his life eventually got close enough to him to see his controlling nature, and inevitably they left. Only she couldn't leave him, because they were family. And their parents had put the house in both their names.<p>

She scanned up and down the street for Gilbert. Maybe he was still out there somewhere? She sighed and shook her head, disgusted with herself.  
>Maybe Alfred was right. Was she really so lonely that it was affecting her judgement? Was she getting a bit...desperate?<br>She sank down into a chair as she felt a wave of depression sweep over her.

The Gilbert she remembered from high school had always had a smile on his face and was surrounded by his friends. 'The bad friends trio' was the nickname their classmates gave them.  
>To her they seemed more like 'the glamorous trio.' They built a reputation of being charming playboys with their flashy style, while at the same time being talented and smart. They were admired and liked by everyone, even the teachers.<br>Gilbert was excellent at history, math and music. He wanted to join the Marine Corps to play in their military band.  
>Francis was in academic decathlon and taking advanced placement classes in international economics in preparation for running his family's luxury import-export business.<br>And Antonio was a star athlete, winning competitions in track and field, and planning to become an architect.  
>They had seemed so untouchable to her, a nerdy little mouse with no idea what she wanted to do with her life. All she knew was that music was the only thing she'd ever gotten any positive attention for, so she figured that was her best bet.<br>She'd been too shy to talk to almost anyone and was socially awkward even with her 'friends' in the orchestra. She had only ever been able to admire her crush from afar. She felt inadequate compared to most people.  
>Next to Gilbert and his friends she had felt as insignificant as a bug.<p>

Eventually her swirling thoughts settled, and she came out of her funk wondering at how things had changed.  
>What had happened to Gilbert in the five years since high school that had led to him being on that bridge? Had something bad happened to him?<br>And she couldn't help worrying if she would ever see him alive again, or if one day she would end up reading about him in the obituaries.


	3. Chapter 3

When Gilbert heard his brother pull up in front of their house he sighed. 'Might as well get this over with,' he thought, getting out of bed and pulling a pair of pants on. As he entered the living room his brother opened the door and came in. "Hey." Gilbert said softly.

Ludwig looked up briefly then continued taking off his coat and shoes, and loosened his tie. Gilbert watched him, noticing how weary his younger brother looked. When had he become so prematurely middle aged?He had only been working for that company for two years now, yet it seemed like a burden on those broad shoulders. Sometimes Gilbert wanted to tease his brother about being so macho for just a paper pusher, but didn't want to get yelled at for not having a job himself.

Ludwig walked right past him into the kitchen, grabbed a beer, opened it and sat down heavily at the kitchen table. Gilbert trailed in after his brother and sat down across from him.

"Don't you want one too?" Ludwig asked tipping the bottle to take a swig. Gilbert just grunted, shaking his head. He'd been too depressed to drink. It had always been a fun time sort of activity for him.

He could never understand people that drank because they were down. Drink a depressant to feel _less_ depressed? It was illogical. The only way it made sense was if the person knew that A: alcohol is poison, B: poison kills, thus C: drink alcohol and die. But, lets face it, that was just too damned inefficient a way for Gilbert Beilschmidt to die!

"Well, out with it then. What's wrong with you?" Ludwig asked bluntly. Gilbert flinched at the confrontational tone. 'Really, shouldn't I be used to it by now?'

The older brother frowned and stared at his hands, a tightly clenched fist grinding into the palm of his other hand. Did he think he was going to fight someone? He pulled his hands apart, grabbed his legs instead, and tried to take a deep breath and look his brother in the eyes.

"Um…" he swallowed, watching the impatience build on his brother's face. 'What should I say? That I'm a pathetic loser that can't deal with life? That I think everyone is judging me and hates me, and I think they're right? That I hate myself so much when I screw up that I imagine cutting my own throat?'

To his horror, Gilbert felt tears welling up in his eyes. He tried to blink them away but found himself sniffling, _Like a fucking little kid!_ He raged at himself inside, disgusted with himself. Ludwig looked uncomfortable, no more than that, he looked completely at a loss what to do. 'He must think I'm going crazy…' Gilbert realized and suddenly felt numb. He swallowed his pain and sat up straight.

"It's okay. I guess I'm just having a hard time right now, but, you know, I'll be back on top of things soon."

Ludwig sighed, closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. "God, Gilbert, what am I supposed to do with you? Hmm?" Those glacier blue eyes looked at Gilbert, but seemed to look right through him. "You need something to take your mind off your problems. Just…find something to keep yourself busy, okay?" Ludwig tried to be diplomatic by leaving it at that, then he got up and left Gilbert sitting there alone…

Gilbert sat there for a while, wondering if he was ever going to be honest with his brother, when he suddenly noticed that the phone book was on the table. He lunged for it and searched feverishly for

"Williams, Madeline." 'Great, there's only like, fifty?' he briefly imagined himself calling each one and saying, "Is that you Maddie? It's Gilbert. You know, the guy from the bridge."

'Wow, I feel a little creeped out by myself.' he thought, rejecting that plan. Instead, he looked at the names of the streets they were on. 'What was the name of that street? Harold,right?' He looked through all of the names, looking for Harold.

"Dammit, there's a Harold St. and a Harold Ave.! What the hell! Goddamn the idiots that planned this city!" He smacked the table, and cursed when he hurt his hand. He calmed down a bit and comforted himself with the thought that now there were only two possible numbers. _If the name of the street was actually Harold_. He reminded himself. There were plenty of other 'H' streets.

He was getting a bit discouraged. Even if it was her, was it too early to try calling her? Wouldn't she be creeped out if the guy that she just saved from offing himself called her the same day, and she hadn't even given him her phone number? And what would he say to her when he got her on the phone?

'Please, meet me again as soon as possible, or…' He broke off that thought. It was too pathetic. It was intolerable. He shut the phone book in disgust and went back to his room.

"Okay. Back to the computer." He signed into Facebook and did a search for Madeline Williams. 'Okay, so there's only like a million of them.' He scrolled down idly, trying to figure out what his next move was, and then, there she was. Her picture was right there in front of him. He couldn't believe his luck. Maybe…maybe this was meant to be? He clicked on her picture. Of course it was set to private. He slowly moved the mouse and clicked to send a friend request. Now, he supposed, all he had to do was wait.


	4. Chapter 4

"I was walking on the sidewalk in front of my house when I saw a strange car parked at the curb. Someone inside was calling my name. I bent over and looked inside and saw Gilbert sitting in the drivers' seat. He was lying back against the seat. Then he gestured for me to get in the car. I did. I felt safe I guess because I know him. I sat there next to him for a bit. He seemed to be having trouble breathing. I asked him if he was okay, then he shook his head no, looking so sad. He grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and I suddenly realized it was soaked with blood. He pulled it up and I could see open wounds, I could see inside his body. There were some intestines that looked like they were about to come out. 'You're dying', I said, but I didn't feel alarmed, just calm somehow. He nodded and still, he looked sad and just...resigned. Then he grabbed my hand and held it firmly. He looked me in the eyes pleadingly and said, 'Make me feel alive.' Then I...well, um, touched him and that kind of thing. But the whole time I felt so calm and, just clear. Like I knew, this was what he needed, and of course, I needed to give it to him...Then I woke up."

Maddie lay there for a moment letting the silence wash over her. It was an expectant silence, a comfortable silence, she decided.

Then she heard her psychologist clear her throat and ask, "And what do you think the dream meant, Maddie?"

Maddie sighed and said, "Well, it's obvious isn't it? It's like being an angel of mercy. In the dream, I know he's doomed, so I can give him his dying wish, without any...complications. Maybe I have an idealized notion of what sex ought to be, that it should just be...like a perfect gift, without any thought of possessiveness, or judgment, or awkwardness...I wish it were really like that. That the morning after, so to speak, would never come."

Dr. Briggs hummed to herself, taking notes. "Do you think that could be part of the reason why you've had trouble making a long term relationship work?"

Maddie considered the question carefully. Did her discomfort with the imperfect reality versus perfect fantasy really make it hard for her to find the right person?

"Well...I don't know. A lot of the guys I dated just we're smart enough or interested enough." She stopped, and shifted uncomfortably. She felt like she was being put on the spot, but was willing to push though it to make progress. "Um, maybe I'm picking people I know aren't really right for me. I guess I don't really feel comfortable with a guy that's too much my...equal. Like how Eric was sexy and nice but he wasn't very smart, so I felt like I was still, um, in control, you know? Maybe I'm just scared that if I dated someone that's more my equal they would try and control me, or deceive me, or just, I don't know, trick me into thinking that they loved me, when actually they don't even really seem to like me!" She was tearing up at the last part, and Dr. Briggs handed her a tissue. "I don't think you're talking about a boyfriend anymore, huh?" Maddie wiped her eyes and blew her nose. "Yeah, I know." She whispered.

"Our time is up now, so I want you to think about this. Why do you feel the need to be like an angel in your dream? What would it be like if instead you were loved just as your imperfect self? You know Maddie, you're a beautiful young woman, talented and very kind. You just need to accept yourself and see all the great things you really are, okay?"

Maddie stood up and shook Dr. Briggs' hand. "Thanks. I'll see you next week. Same time, right?" The psychologist nodded and gently led her out the door. "That's right. Take care." "Alright, you too!" Maddie smiled brightly as she left the doctor's office.

...

Maddie had woken up that morning to the sound of her alarm clock. She groaned and rolled reluctantly out of bed, turning the annoying buzzing off. To make getting up worth her while she immediately grabbed her iPad, turned it on, and looked at the news online. She brushed her teeth while skimming the headlines. 'Ugh, so depressing.' she thought as she paused to rinse. She went back to lie on her bed, then checked her email. "Nothing. Why doesn't anyone ever reply?" she grumbled under her breath then decided to check Facebook. 'At least I'll be able to spy on my friends. Maybe see why they never answer my emails.' She was looking disinterestedly at her girlfriends' baby pics when she noticed a new friend request. 'I wonder who it could be?' She though idly as she clicked on it, only to see a familiar grinning face. "Gilbert."

Suddenly, she remembered having a dream about him. "What a weird..." she trailed off, remembering how she had unzipped his pants while looking him in the face. His eyes were so dark red inside the car. It was like they were black holes framed by white, white lashes. They crinkled at the edges with such sadness. She kissed him gently on the cheek. His pale skin was so dry and delicate seeming. It was as though he was dried out. Brittle, like old paper. He put his hand, so light it was almost like it wasn't there at all, on her head, and mouthed the word "Please." She dipped her head down and took his cock in her mouth. It was hot, firm and vigorous. So alive, in stark contrast to the rest of him. When she swallowed his essence, she had the strange thought, 'Am I swallowing the last bit of his life?' Then the dream was over.

Thinking about it, she remembered other details of the dream, but that part was the strongest in her memory. "Gilbert." she whispered again, thinking of how he had looked on that bridge, in her car, lying on her couch, sitting awkwardly across from her in the kitchen. He was so beautiful, she couldn't help but sigh and run her hands over her lips, wishing that she could touch him, kiss him, even just see him again.

She clicked 'Accept.'


	5. Chapter 5

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Hey, I can't believe I found you!

**Madeline Williams: **Hi. Yeah, small world. How are you?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Oh, I'm okay. My brother drove me home.

**Madeline Williams: **Oh no! Your car, did it get towed?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** Yeah, it's at the impound lot.

**Madeline Williams: **Will you be able to get it back soon?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **I dunno.

**Madeline Williams: **Huh?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **I don't have any money.

**Madeline Williams: **Oh. Well can't you borrow some from someone?

**Madeline Williams: **Hey, are you there?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Yeah. I don't want to talk about money right now.

**Madeline Williams: **Okay.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** I've been remembering you more. You used to always come early to rehearsals.

You were always the first person there and one of the last to leave.

**Madeline Williams: **Yeah, I really loved orchestra. It was the only good part of high school. Everything else was mostly dumb busy work, or kids being jerks for no reason.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Exactly! I remember asking my dad why I couldn't just go to private school. I kept picturing myself at some kind of fantasy military academy or something!

**Madeline Williams: **Oh yeah. You were in ROTC. I remember seeing you in your uniform.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Ha! Well, is what they say about a man in uniform true?

**Madeline Williams: **Man?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Ha Ha. Well, can't blame me for trying.

**Madeline Williams: **You were handsome. 

**Madeline Williams: **Actually, I had the biggest crush on you.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Really? I had no idea.

**Madeline Williams: **I think you had no idea that I even existed. Isn't that what you mean?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **I remember you now!

**Madeline Williams: **Yeah, but back then, you wouldn't even talk to me. I tried to talk to you once and you pretended you didn't hear me.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **I don't know

**Madeline Williams: **You did!

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Madeline. I'm sorry. I don't remember it. But, I'm sorry anyway. Maybe I did that to you. I did that sometimes to girls because I was

**Madeline Williams: **well? Was what?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **a jerk, I guess.

**Madeline Williams: **okay. I guess it's okay now. It was a long time ago, huh?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **yeah, high school. It's scary how fast time went.

**Madeline Williams: **what did you do after? Did you join the marines?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **no. it didn't work out.

**Madeline Williams: **why?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **my parents died. My brother was still in school, so I had to get a job.

**Madeline Williams: **oh! I'm sorry!

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **well, thanks.

**Madeline Williams: **so, what did you do?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **ha! What didn't I do? I think I've done every shitty part-time minimum wage job out there.

**Madeline Williams: **so what about the flute? You were so good. Wasn't the band director pushing you to audition for conservatory?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Yeah, but I really wanted to audition for the marine corps band.

**Madeline Williams: **Did you do it?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **No.

**Madeline Williams: **Why not?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt:** It's complicated.

**Madeline Williams: **Huh, so I guess you don't want to talk about it?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Yeah.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: ** Maybe we should talk about you. What did you do after school?

**Madeline Williams: **Oh, you mean after high school? I went to college in music. I got my BA in Cello Performance. I thought about getting a teaching credential, but high school was so miserable, I didn't like the thought of actually having to work in one! So, now I just teach private lessons.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Do you perform?

**Madeline Williams: **Only at my student's recitals. I was never that good, so I couldn't hack it in an orchestra or anything.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **What about a band or something?

**Madeline Williams: **I'm not sociable enough for that.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Yeah, me neither.

**Madeline Williams: **Hey, we should play together. Two unsociable people hanging out together!

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Madeline can I call you Maddie?

**Madeline Williams: **Sure! I'll call you Gil, okay?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **okay. Maddie, I don't have my flute anymore.

**Madeline Williams: **what? What happened?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **the pawn shop has it now.

**Madeline Williams: **No! You sold it?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **that's not how a pawn shop works. They let you borrow money and you give them something as collateral until you can pay them back. But I couldn't pay them back and they've been trying to sell it for a while. Dumb jerks can't sell it though. No one will buy it because it's engraved. At least I can still visit it.

**Madeline Williams: **Gil, this is not cool! What's your address? We have to get your flute back right now!

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Maddie, it's okay. I don't want to burden you.

**Madeline Williams: **No Gil! It is not okay! You have a gift to play that flute! No one and nothing should ever be able to take that away from you! I'm going to get your flute back today, now give me your address!

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **155 E Lansing St.

**Madeline Williams: **Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can okay?

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Okay. Thank you.

**Madeline Williams: **You can thank me when I put it in your hands.

**Gilbert Beilschmidt: **Okay, see you soon.


	6. Chapter 6

Gilbert picked up his flute to look at the engraving. _'For my beloved son Gilbert on his sixteenth birthday. Play this flute and remember me. -Mutti' _It was an appropriate sentiment as just holding it brought back the memory of his mother giving it to him.

_She handed him the slim, elegant black case. It was so small yet so refined. He took it in his hand and felt its surprising weight. Then he placed it on his lap and pressed the latches. With a precise click it opened to reveal...such a treasure. The pure silver with gold accents, lovingly engraved. He put it together and brought it to his lips. Ah, the cool kiss of the metal, so smooth. He pressed down all the keys, blew gently and heard the most luscious sound. Ah, so low and rich. His fingers flicked over the keys rapidly listening, feeling the flute respond so smoothly and easily. It was like it was made for him. And from then on he was in love._

"Thank you!" he had said to his mother then. Now he was saying it to Maddie. "Thank you so much! Oh, I love you!" Maddie looked alarmed for a second until Gilbert said it again this time clearly addressing the flute, not her. "I love you! I love you! Oh, I've missed you, my darling!" He cooed to his precious, then brought it to his lips to play.

Maddie laughed as he played the Stars and Stripes Forever while marching in place. "You still got it, huh?" She said, clapping along with his marching.

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. 'God, she is cute,' he thought, 'I wish...' He stopped everything and just looked at her.

"What is it?" she asked, furrowing her brow with concern.

He smiled his most heart stopping smile then played again, but the mood of this piece was completely the opposite.

'Oh, it's baroque' she immediately thought, then listened carefully. It was in minor, and slow, yet it was surely difficult as it jumped from piercing high notes to gorgeous low notes.

Gilbert finished the movement and there was expectant silence hanging between them. Maddie clapped reluctantly. It seemed jarring and rude to break the spell Gilbert had cast over them both. "That was so beautiful. When it leaps like that it's so evocative. And those trills were lovely. You always make it all seem so effortless." Maddie's eyes shone with her admiration and she was smiling so brightly. Gilbert couldn't help but smile back enthusiastically.

"So, can you guess the composer?" he asked eagerly. She bit her lip and looked off into space. "Well, was it Bach?"

Gil laughed, "Yes, but which one?"

She thought aloud, "Well, it's for the flute, so is it CPE?"

"Yup, you got it!" Gilbert crowed grinning at her.

Suddenly they remembered where they were when the dingy pawnshop's owner snickered at their antics and asked them if they needed anything else. They awkwardly refused, Gil quickly cased his flute and they went outside.

They blinked away the glaring sun for a moment, then smiled shyly at each other. Maddie gestured toward the car and they jumped in. She quickly turned on the engine, lowered the windows and put the air conditioner on full blast to get rid of the sauna-like heat. "Oh my God it's hot!" she muttered. Gil nodded and hummed in agreement. He pulled his arm abruptly into the car when she started rolling the window up. "Oh! Sorry!" Gil just scoffed, "I'm okay, don't worry about it." He met her dark blue eyes with his red ones. He was squinting as the sun came through the windshield. Maddie noticed how it was making the corners of his eyes crinkle up. She abruptly reached toward him to push the sun visor down for him making him startle. Their eyes met again as they shared the moment with soft laughter.

Gil sighed contentedly, "Where to now?" as she took in that lazy grin of his. Then her eyes flew wide open and darted to the clock in the dashboard. "Oh! It's almost one o'clock! I have a counseling appointment downtown. What 'm I gonna' do, Gilbert! I don't have time to drop you off!" Gilbert just waved at her to start driving. "Don't worry. I'll just walk around town for a while until you're done. It's the least I can do after this." He sighed again, leaning back in his seat, relaxing as Maddie drove them downtown.

…

Gilbert hadn't counted on how damned hot it was, or how the sun just had to be so awfully bright. He quickly gave up on window shopping after getting a headache from the sun beating down on him. Usually he would wear a baseball cap and some cheap sunglasses to deal with the sun, but he had just had to be vain today didn't he. 'So now I'm a good looking dumbass. At least I wore sunblock.'

He walked quickly down the street searching for shelter that wouldn't annoy the hell out of him. The boutique clothing shops looked like they were full of bitchy girls that would roll their eyes at him, and even bitchier gay guys that would look down their noses at him. 'Fuck it's hot! Where's a café when you need one?!'

Finally he found a hole in the wall café, went inside and sat in the corner. He pulled out his iPod touch and was happy to see that they had free wireless internet. He glanced up at the counter, briefly worried that someone would come harass him because he hadn't ordered anything, but the guy up there reading a magazine couldn't care less. Then he started browsing the headlines.

'Record heat blah blah blah. Yeah, no shit Sherlock. That's what you get when you say fuck you to the environment.' Frankly, he surprised to see the article mentioned global warming, but noted with disgust that right after that the article said there was debate on if it was the cause of the heat. 'Losers! Why did I leave Germany again? Oh yeah, because my parents made me. Thanks a bunch _Vater, _all so you could get that big, fat American paycheck and buy all the shit you ever wanted for yourself and leave me and Ludwig and _Mutti _to the dogs!' He scoffed to himself, then clicked on a link to another article.

This one was about another mass shooting. 'Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families. What a load of bullshit! If they gave a damn they'd demand gun control. But I guess everyone's just on their own.' He scrolled down to look at the asinine comments that were sure to follow. 'Why do I even bother? I know it's just going to be a bunch of brainwashed NRA assholes talking about how if someone in the crowd was carrying then they could have stopped the guy.' And of course, that was easily half the comment thread right there. He snorted in amusement when one of the commenters said he was from Germany and couldn't understand why Americans would want to live in fear. 'Yeah, well, what he doesn't get is in America freedom means: freedom to do whatever the hell you want. Except sexually, of course.'

He browsed around on the news site for a bit more, but eventually gave it up. 'Too bad I can't look at porn here.' He thought as he turned the device off with a click. He quietly got up and spent a few moments looking around the café for the john, until he finally drew the ire of the guy at the counter who pointed at the sign just below the register: Restrooms for Customers Only. Gil took the hint and left to go search for a public toilet.

…

Maddie walked out of Dr. Briggs' office and found Gilbert crouching in the sliver of shade next to the front of the building. "Oh! Did you have to wait out here long?" she gave him her hand as he stood up. He swayed a bit as the blood rushed back to his legs. "Ah! Are you okay?" He waved her concern away and took a couple unsteady steps toward her, then started heading quickly to the car. "Let's get out of here. It's too damn hot for me." he grumbled as they got inside. "Do you want me to take you home now?" she asked softly as Gil fiddled with the vents so that they blew the cold air right in his face. He glanced at her, "Okay," he said with a half-hearted grin.

They pulled to a stop in front of his house, and Gil waved at her to turn off the engine. "Turn it off." He said when she didn't get the message. She did and it immediately started to feel hot again. Gil opened his door and took off his seat belt. "Do you want to come in?" Maddie looked at the empty driveway in front of Gil's house. No one else was home. She wondered if he still lived with his brother and what time he would get home. She had seen Gil with his younger brother when he used to get picked up from school by his parents. All she remembered was a cute little blond boy that always tried to look serious and grown up but would end up laughing when Gil would tickle him. 'God, he must be what, 23? Wow, I feel old.' Maddie fiddled with her seatbelt buckle considering. She looked up at Gilbert who was begging her with his eyes. 'Please. Come on Maddie, you can trust me. I won't hurt you.' He almost said it aloud, but stopped himself, afraid that it would just scare her away. A soft click filled the silence as she unbuckled herself. "Okay." Gil grinned at her and happily showed her to the door.


	7. Chapter 7

Gilbert couldn't believe it when Madeline walked into his room and sat right on his bed. 'Oh my God! Does she want to…right now!?' He watched her face carefully as he slowly pushed the door closed behind his back. The latch caught with a sharp click. She was still smiling. He stood there awkwardly for a moment, until she patted the bed next to her. "Come on!" He smiled back at her nervously, then turned the lock with another click.

He sat down next to her gingerly. The old mattress dipped and she fell against his side. She giggled as she put her arm behind him. "Can I give you a hug?" she whispered in his ear. He could feel her warm body pressing against him, her breath against his ear. Fuck, he was hard! "Oh, Okay." He turned his upper body toward her and wrapped his arms around her just as she was doing to him. Her breasts pressed against his chest. They were so soft. 'How could anyone be so soft?' he wondered, as he listened to her breathing next to his ear. Her dark blond hair was tickling his face. He pressed his nose against her shoulder and inhaled. "Mmm…" she smelled good.

She was running her hands up and down his back, stroking him gently until she could feel his whole body relax. "Feels good, huh?" He just moaned again in appreciation as she caressed him. She could feel his hands starting to rub her back, then they slid down and slipped under the back of her shirt to touch her skin. She pulled away gently to look at him. Gilbert looked at her seriously, obviously concerned he had done something wrong, but she smiled at him. "Gil, can I kiss you?" she asked so simply, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He nodded, and slowly leaned toward her. Their eyes locked as they got closer and closer.

When their lips brushed together it seemed like they sighed in unison. Maddie closed her eyes and pressed her lips lusciously against his. He was acutely conscious of the warm weight of her body pressing and rubbing against him. Her lips opened against his, her tongue pushed into his mouth and suddenly he lost all consciousness of everything except the hot rush of excitement as their tongues touched. Eventually, she pulled away gasping, "Oh, wow..." She looked up at him, her blue eyes staring searchingly into the dark red depths of his. He grinned maniacally making her laugh. "Yeah, me too!" he said and pulled her close again into a tight hug.

He shivered when he felt her fingers run through his hair. She had been wanting to do that for so long, touch that white hair. It was fine and soft under her hand, like a child's hair. She was suddenly struck by the thought 'how delicate and fragile...' "Gilbert." He leaned back a bit to look at her. "You're..." she paused, feeling nervous, but he just smiled, encouraging her gently. "You're so beautiful and precious. Why...why were you on that bridge?"

Gilbert lost his smile as his face fell. He looked so sad that Madeline couldn't help but say, "You don't have to tell me right now if you don't want to!" He sighed, pulled away from her arms and lay back on the mattress. He lay there for a while. Now that Maddie had come into his life and made him happy again, he also couldn't help but wonder how he'd gotten to the point of wanting to commit suicide.

"I don't know what happened to screw me up like this. I guess it all started when my parents died and I had to find work. I had a nice gig there for a while, moving furniture. I did that for a couple years, then they went out of business and I couldn't find anything full-time any more. All I could get was part-time, shitty jobs with shitty hours. I was delivering papers in the morning, then working as a cashier, then being a parking attendant at night. I did that for a couple years. I wasn't sleeping a lot. I kept trying to find something better and hopped around from one thing to another, but a lot of places the bosses were just jerks. Like they would change my hours every week. This one guy, he would ask me my opinion on stuff in front of the other workers and then tell me how I'm wrong. What the fuck!? Did he get off on it or what!?"

Maddie hummed and shook her head in disapproval as she lay down next to Gilbert and put her arm around his waist. He smiled at her and gave her arm a little squeeze then continued with his story.

"Then I thought I finally found a good one. There was a warehouse that needed forklift drivers. I took a course, applied and got the job. It was full-time and had decent pay. The first six months were great. I could pay the bills, see the dentist and go out to the bar every weekend. The only thing I didn't like was how everybody kept speaking Spanish at work. And they were, you know, they all stuck together all the time. It's like I wasn't even there or something. But, I didn't think anything of it at the time. I figured that's just how they are. What happened is the boss called me in for an evaluation report and started in on me saying my numbers were too low and that if I didn't start working more I was gonna' get fired. I looked at the numbers and they were all wrong. It was maybe half as much as I'd done. I told the boss that and he looked at me all doubtful. Then he said, 'Okay, for the next month make a record of everything you do and I'll compare it to the floor supervisor's record.' So, long story short, it didn't match and the floor supervisor got fired because he was reporting that my work was being done by the other workers."

Maddie frowned and interjected, "Did they know what was going on?" He shook his head. "They all said they didn't know, but after that they started harassing me. My things started to go missing. Sometimes Ludwig would come and pick me up from work and they heard me speak to him in German. After that I started finding swastikas on my stuff. They all denied seeing anyone do it, then I'd hear them talking in Spanish and laughing. I was getting so angry at work I wanted to beat the shit out of them, but I had to think about Ludwig. He was in his last year of college. Then, my lunch started getting mysteriously thrown out. By that time, I was so pissed all the time I was getting an ulcer so I wasn't eating much anyhow. After another six months of that I quit and haven't had steady work since. Ludwig's done with school. He's working. I don't know why he won't just give me a break and quit harping on me not having a job right now."

Madeline nodded, "Yeah, after everything you've done for him, you'd think he would realize that you just need a little break. But Gil, you never did tell me, why were you thinking of killing yourself?"

Gilbert groaned, "I don't...I just didn't want this to be my life any more. I wanted to accomplish something with my life. Now I'm nearly thirty and all I have to show for it is a string of shitty jobs and bad memories. What kind of fucking future do I have?"

Maddie felt her heart ache at the despair in his voice. It was the same feeling she had. When they had been going to school together the path in front of them had seemed so simple and clear. He would go in the military. She would go to college and gain all the skill she'd been lacking and would hopefully find work doing music. But somehow, things hadn't turned out so simple. He'd had to go to work and she had never really reached her hoped for potential as a musician. Instead, she'd ended up just like her parents had said she would, making her money mostly off of kids who's parents were forcing them to take lessons with a couple kids that genuinely were interested in playing the cello thrown in.

"Gil..." He looked into her deep blue eyes. "Whatever future you have, I want to be a part of it." She pressed her lips softly to his cheeks, his lips, over his eyelids, everywhere. "Really?" "Yes, really!" They smiled at each other until, with a big grin, she poked him in the ribs. "Are you ticklish?" "No! Ah ha ha! No! No!" He tried to roll away from her merciless poking but she swung her leg over him and straddled him, then showing a surprising amount of strength, she grabbed his hands and pinned them to the bed. He suddenly went very still and serious. Their eyes met, staring at each other. How much he wanted to see her naked on top of him. He started getting hard again and was thrilled with the knowledge that she would feel it. He watched her breathing deepen as her body relaxed against his. Her eyes clouded and her jaw went slack as she felt the hardening heat of his growing erection pressing right against her pussy through the layers of clothes.

"Mmm, Gilbert... You feel good." She said softly as she lay down on top of him. Her hair caressed his face as she pressed her face into his neck and breathed in his scent. "Oh, Gil..." She started moving her hips, rubbing against the hardness in his pants as she made sweet little sounds of enjoyment. 'Fuck! She's dry humping my fucking cock! She's really getting off on this, isn't she?' He ran his hand down her back to the waistband of her pants. After a moment of hesitation he continued down to her ass, grabbed and squeezed. She squealed and rubbed harder against him. 'Goddamn! She's so hot for it!' He was getting really excited too and moved his hips up against her while pressing her down against him. She moaned in his ear then after a few more thrusts stiffened and cried out, then she relaxed on top of him. 'Did she just...Oh my god, she did!' He felt so hot, he was sweating under his clothes and he was soo close! "Maddie." He whispered in her ear. She hummed contentedly and lifted her face to his and kissed him. When they broke apart, she smiled lazily at him. "You need some help with that?" she said teasingly as she got off of him and rubbed the lump in his pants with her hand. "Ah! Um, yes!" he reached for the button and she let him open his pants and take his cock out.

Her eyes widened as she got a good look at it. It was very long and thick, the largest penis she had ever seen outside of a porno video. He jerked it a bit, and she realised he was uncircumcised. "Oh my god. Gil, just- Oh wow." He laughed at her entranced expression. "So, can you help me?" he asked playfully as he gently took her hand and put it on his cock. Maddie licked her lips unconsciously, making him gulp. "Um, well...I hate to have to say this, but...um, have you been tested lately?" Gil sighed, and nodded. "Yeah, about that. Well, no, but-" Maddie interrupted him, "Okay, well, I can jack you off if you like." Gil nodded eagerly, lay back and let her bring him to completion.


	8. Chapter 8

…

Gil figured that they must have lost track of time because the next thing they knew Ludwig was home. They turned to each other and whispered. "Uh oh…" Gilbert smiled mischievously, "I haven't told him about you yet." Maddie smiled nervously, "Well, do you…I mean are you going to?" Gil sniggered softly, "Well, unless you want to climb out the window, I think I kinda' have to." They could hear the floor creaking as Gil's little brother walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge. Maddie opened her mouth to ask how they were going to introduce her when they heard heavy footstep coming down the hall.

"Gilbert! Did you eat all the sausage?! What's your fucking problem!?"

Then they heard pounding on the door. "Get out here and go to the market!"

Gil sighed, "Okay! Don't get all bent out of shape." He reached for the door knob and opened the door to reveal the very tall, very broad figure of his little brother. Maddie's eyes widened at the imposing figure looming in the doorway, jaw clenched and face red with anger. 'I guess Gilbert's little brother isn't so little anymore…' passed through her mind as she waved awkwardly at him.

"Hi, Ludwig…um, it's nice seeing you again after all these years…"

Ludwig's flabbergasted expression _was_ rather funny, but considering how angry he was perhaps Gilbert's cackling laughter was less than prudent.

"Oh man, why didn't I have my phone ready! I should have taken a picture of the look on your face! Kesese!"

Maddie jumped at the thunderous sound of German curse words, then scampered back when the muscular form lunged forward. Gilbert looked strikingly like a stray cat when picked up by his collar and flung out of the room. "Raus!"

She cringed when the large figure turned toward her. "Get out! The both of you!" He turned on his heel, marched out of the room, shouldered Gil out of his way and headed back to the kitchen.

Maddie trailed after Gilbert as he made his way to the front door.

"Okay, little bro! We'll go get some more sausage!"

The heard Ludwig banging around the kitchen like a bull in a china shop. "I don't care anymore! Get out!"

Maddie tugged nervously on Gil's sleeve. He shook her off. "Ahhh…that was Maddie by the way. Do you remember high school-"

The sound of frustrated groaning came from the kitchen, "Please, Gilbert, not now! Just leave before I lose my temper!"

"That's what he's like _before_ he loses his temper?" Madeline whispered to Gil warily. "Aw, don't be scared! He's got a big bark and no bite." Gil said with a smirk. Maddie frowned skeptically. "Come on Gil, let's go." Gil sighed, "Well, I guess it didn't go so well…" He glanced at the kitchen one last time, "Okay, we're going! Bye!" he yelled as they left the house.

…

Madeline threw herself on her bed sighing happily. In some ways Gil was just the way she remembered him from high school. Loud mouthed and bold, a snarky sense of humor and a sly smile. He was a manic explosion of expressive gestures, expressions and exclamations, more like a whirlwind than a person. It was such a contrast to her quiet and easygoing personality that it seemed like they shouldn't get along, but she loved being the center of the storm.

She had offered to take him to the market to buy sausages but he said they could just walk. So, they walked. And talked. And laughed. And make plans to see each other again, this time to play together at her house. And then she was getting into her car and he was waving good bye when he said, "I could see us doing this forever, couldn't you?" She had just laughed and waved, "Yeah, why not?" Then they each went home.

Thinking back on that moment, she wondered, did he mean to say something more than just a casual remark? Did he want something deeper with her, more permanent? Or was he just speaking without thinking, like he always did?


	9. Chapter 9

…

"Hey Lud." Madeline smiled gently as she looked up at the tall blond. Apparently, his habitual stern expression had lost the power to intimidate her over the last two months.

"Came to practice again?" he muttered as he stepped out of her way. She carefully brought her cello into the house and headed for Gilbert's room.

"Yeah, concert on Friday. It's just for the old folks' home, but we still need the practice."

Ludwig watched as she left the room. She was over so often she might as well live with them. The whole time, all he could think was, what on earth did she see in his brother? It didn't make sense to him, and things like that made him want to fix them.

She was pretty in a mousy sort of way, with her sneakers and jeans, her thick rimmed glasses, not a hint of makeup on her face. There was nothing womanly about her. A scrawny figure, in his opinion, and didn't dress well enough to compensate for it. On second thought, maybe she was a good match for his careless brother who still dressed like he was seventeen years old and only bathed once a week. They could be two unemployed slobs together.

But, she was still too good for Gilbert. Actually, she did work for a living, even if it was just teaching a bunch of kids music out of her house. And she had her degree from a ridiculously expensive private college. God, her family must be rich! Who knew what she was really worth. Maybe all this was just her amusing herself by slumming, seeing how the other half lives, even dating one of the poor peasants. The more he thought about it, the more that theory seemed to fit. Why else would anyone want to date a loser like Gilbert?

…

"Hey baby! Gimme a kiss!" Gil practically jumped on her the second she was through the door.

"Ah! Watch out for the cello!" she yelped as she shoved him away and gingerly set the case down next to the bed. His room was so small the twin sized bed took up most of it. There was only just enough space for a small desk and the chair she would sit on to play.

The moment she stood up he grabbed her and hugged her from behind. "Mmm…you smell good, you know that?" he muttered into her hair blissfully. She turned in his arms to face him with a smile. "Oh yeah? What do I smell like?"

He sniffed her hair some more, "Um, I don't know, it smells familiar…Oh! I know, it smells like dog shampoo!"

"What!?"

"You know! Haven't you ever had a dog and given him a bath? The shampoo smells just like this!"

Maddie just stared at his enormous white grin incredulously, then burst out laughing. "And this is your idea of a compliment?"

"Aw, well, I loved my dog Shadow very much! He was the best dog ever! Actually, I miss him still. We had to leave him in Germany…" he trailed off pensively. "I guess he must be dead by now." Maddie watched a bit shocked at his abrupt change in mood.

"Hey…it's okay. I'm sure he had a good life, and there will be other dogs someday…" she stroked his hair gently, trying to soothe him. "Look at me."

His dark red eyes met her violet blue ones.

"I'm glad I smell like Shadow, so I can remind you of someone you loved very much." She kissed him tenderly, cradling his cheek in her hand.

Gilbert felt like he was in his idea of heaven. Surrounded by warmth, safe and loved completely. There was nothing he needed, nothing he wanted, all his fear and resentment was utterly gone as though it had never existed. When the kiss ended, he pressed his forehead to Madeline's and just breathed. Eventually, he pulled her into a tight hug and sighed, "Oh Maddie, you know, I think I love you too."

Madeline stiffened in his arms and gently pulled back. She gazed searchingly at his face. "Do you…mean that?" she whispered.

Gil frowned, "Yeah. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't." His arms tightened around her. He swallowed nervously. "So, I guess you…Um, well…do you love me back?"

Madeline pulled herself out of his grasp and turned to her cello. She busied herself opening the case, pulling out the bow and tightening the hair. Facing away from him she said, "I don't know. It's a little too soon for me maybe." She pulled out the cello and settled herself on the chair. The way she wrapped her arms around the instrument between her legs it seemed she was embracing it, drawing comfort from it. Finally, she looked him in the eye again. "Give me time. Love needs time to grow."

Gilbert sat on the bed and nodded almost to himself. 'Maybe that's all it is. Maybe I just need to wait.'

"Okay. So, what do you want to play first?" He brought out the music, gave her a little smile and was rewarded with that gorgeous grin of hers.

"How about the Vivaldi?"

He couldn't help but grin back. "Sounds great."

…


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Diary,

The last time I wrote anything in here must have been four months ago. Things have changed so much I can't believe it. Gil is so…I don't know, it feels like a dream being with him. How did I get here? Being with the guy I was crushing on so hard in high school I could hardly get up the nerve to look at him.

He's so open. I know what it means when they say someone wears their heart on their sleeve, except maybe with him it's even more extreme. It's like I'm holding his heart right in my hand and I could crush all his happiness so easily. I've never felt so powerful. It's scary. He looks at me like I'm the sun and without me he would just stop shining. I guess that makes him the moon, huh? Ha!

Anyway, I'm worried that I'm getting myself in too far. He said he loves me.

No one has ever told me that and seemed to mean it the way he does. And that sad, hopeful look he gets, I know it's because he's just waiting for me to say it back, but God, what do I really know about him at this point?

He's such a good brother. How Ludwig could treat him that way, what a way to pay him back. I guess it's typical. Loyalty and personal sacrifice for your family not only isn't repaid, it seems like half the time it's resented.

He's so gorgeous. Every time I'm with him I just want him so bad. I've never felt such strong feelings of lust. Even just sitting next to him on his bed, feeling the warm press of his thigh against mine, I imagine running my hand up it, between his legs. That tender flesh. The heat right there at the center of him. I want to unzip his pants, smell the musky scent, and caress the firm flesh. There's something so appealing about feeling his cock through the thin fabric of his briefs. To touch without touching. The anticipation of it. And when I take it out, the sheer size! So thick I can hardly imagine being able to fit around it, and yet, oh how I want to try. I get so wet just taking it in my mouth. The scent and the taste intoxicates me. He's like a drug I can't get enough of. Does it mean something, to feel so strongly about someone?

He loves me, it's clear. And, he seems so sincere, so serious, so vulnerable. How can I not give him a chance? He deserves that much, doesn't he?

-Madeline

Dear Diary,

Today we went to the beach. Gil didn't want to go at first because of having to stay covered up, but I managed to convince him. We snuggled under the umbrella and people watched. He told me I should go swim and that he would just watch me. I did a little bit, but I couldn't help but feel bad for him. He misses out on a lot of things because of his condition. Also, I couldn't help but notice people looking at him. It must be hard to attract so many stares all the time. I wonder how it makes him feel. He always tries to act like it's just, I don't know, like the most natural thing in the world for people to stare at him. He even said that they can't help but admire his good looks! He's so funny!

-Madeline

Dear Diary,

Gil and I had a fight today. I'd offered several times to pay for his impounded car, but he kept refusing. I felt it was getting more and more urgent because the longer it was impounded the higher the fee becomes. Finally, I just asked Ludwig what to do and he gave me the license plate number and offered to drive me to the impound lot. I guess I should have realized something was up after seeing the smirk on his face.

I drove Gil's car back to his house expecting him to be happy, but when he saw it he turned around and stormed off into the house. When I tried to follow him he turned on me and yelled at me saying why couldn't I leave things well enough alone, that it was his responsibility and he doesn't want to owe me any more money. I tried to explain that I don't care about that but he didn't want to listen. He told me I should go home. I didn't want to but I didn't know what to do. I'd never seen him so angry.

I got home and tried calling but no one picks up, he's not online so I can't IM either. I just don't understand why he was so angry.

-M


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